July 31st is always a holiday at The Nerd League, obviously. This year, the editorial staff made the horrible mistake of leaving their in-house Ravenclaw and Slytherin in charge of the festivities. While so many other listicle options exist in this vast, yet rather limited muggle world, Gaby and Rachael opted for ranking 36 random butts (Because Harry Potter turns 36, duh). Of course, there are plenty of other butts out there to be discussed, so if you deem it necessary, by all means leave us your thoughts in the comments below.
Without further ado, accio listicle!
The Butts Who Lived (JK, some died)
36. Peter Pettigrew
G: You can’t play hard to get when you’re already hard to want. Wash yo’ butt, Wormtail.
R: If you’re checking out Pettigrew’s derrière then we’re no longer friends.
35. Dolores Umbridge
G: No. It does not look better in pink.
R: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD W H Y?!
34. Gilderoy Lockhart
G: Must have a huge butt given that his whole ego’s rammed up in there. Just sayin’.
R: Gilderoy Lockhart needs a pretty big toothbrush for all of the talking out of his ass he does.
33. Cho Chang
G: Her butt wasn’t good enough to fuck over Harry AND Cedric. Bye, Cho.
R: Cho needs to take a good long look at her life and report back later.
32. Rubeus Hagrid
R: Too much hair and not nearly enough manscaping.
31. Lucius Malfoy
G: In an alternate universe where he didn’t have a stick up his butt, maybe? You know what this is, though? Not a DILF.
R: Take away Lucius Malfoy’s luscious locks and he doesn’t have a whole lot going for him. This is nothing against Jason Isaacs who played Lucius in the movies and is one fine looking man. Based on J.K.’s book canon though, Lucius is not so much.
30. Narcissa Malfoy
G: Her hair was interesting. I’ll give her that.
R: Again, great hair and she did technically save Harry’s life, hence why she’s higher up on the list than her husband.
29. Albus Dumbledore
R: No! Nope! No no no no.
28. Lavender Brown
R: No thank you.
27. Dean Thomas
G: Appreciated Ginny’s worth before Harry got his life together. Smartass. Did very little else, though. Now solves murders, apparently.
R: I second Gaby on this one. Dean recognized how amazing Ginny was before Harry pulled his head out of his ass and got his life together.
26. Minerva McGonagall
G: Maybe her aged butt isn’t much to look at, but what about her cat butt? I mean, she has two butts.
R: I have nothing. There are no jokes. I can’t.
25. Bellatrix Lestrange
G: Those moves.
R: It is a truth universally acknowledged that all of the Black family was drop-dead gorgeous.
24. Molly Weasley
G: “Not my daughter, you bitch.” You know what that is? BADASS.
R: Sure, Weasley is our king but did you know that Weasley is also technically our Queen? Molly knitted sweaters for her children every Christmas, pretty much adopted Harry and loved him as one of her own, and – in what is arguably the most badass moment in the entire series – killed Bellatrix. If you don’t love Molly Weasley then there’s something wrong with you.
23. Severus Snape
G: Unrequited butt. Most of the time a complete ass. Still, maybe those black robes hid more than a punk bitch. Also, his body was always ready.
R: Have you seen Alan Rickman circa Die Hard? If we’re going based on that then not only could Snape rock a pair of black skinny jeans but he was also a total babe. I mean, a bit of an aggressive stalker and a little obsessive (LET IT GO, MAN), but a babe nonetheless.
22. Lord Voldemort (AKA Tom Riddle)
G: Okay. Okay. Yes, he looks like a reptile atm, but Chamber of Secrets? I don’t blame Ginny at all. If Tom Riddle would’ve asked me to jump off a cliff, I might’ve. I’d rank Tom higher, but he did become a noseless creep, so.
R: Again, I’m with Gaby on this one.
20-21. Parvati & Padma Patil
G: Forgotten butt / Hot Ravenclaw. Win.
R: Has anyone ever noticed that Rowling has a thing for killing off one of the twins and then leaving the other alone and miserable forever? Fred and George, Parvati and Padma… what’s up with that, J.K.?
19. Angelina Weasley (née Johnson)
G: I only know she married George. But she let him name the kid Fred, so I’m gonna say yay?
R: Angelina is flawless. That is all.
18. Ronald Weasley
G: Ginger butt. Ranks this high because he landed Hermione and because, at the end of the day, Weasley is our king.
R: I’ll never be able to forgive him for abandoning Harry and Hermione. Sure, he redeems himself but I’ve been known to hold a grudge.
17. Harry Potter
G: The boy lived…his butt, I don’t know.
R: Let’s be real. We’ve all Googled Daniel Radcliffe’s Equus stint at least once.
15-16. Fred/George Weasley
G: Twin butts.
R: Their butts are identical (which is AMAZING)
G: *were; too soon?
14. Draco Malfoy
G: Butt you love to hate, but hate to love.
R: Okay, yes, for most of the books he’s a turd but Draco Malfoy is also gorgeous. Maybe I’m a little biased being a Slytherin and all, but I don’t care one little bit.
13. Viktor Krum
G: That suit was sooooooooo tight.
R: Unpopular opinion time: Viktor Krum is the man Hermione should have ended up with. Besides, have you seen that Quidditch Uniform? They’re form-fitting for a reason and that reason is Viktor Krum.
G: Girl, I second the hell out of that motion.
12. Fleur Delacour
G: Le derrière magnifique. Also, her little sister’s name is Gabrielle, which makes me feel like I made an appearance in the Harry Potter books.
R: She’s one of the most badass badasses in the entire series and then marries Bill Weasley to-boot.
11. Cedric Diggory
G: This was the most painful thing that was ever done to me. Why can’t we have nice things? I will say that he also automatically wins more points for coming back to life as a vampire and then proceeding to hate on the Twilight saga for the next, like, six years.
R: Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure.
10. James Potter
G: Prick, but we know we all love him.
R: James Potter was the Reggie Mantle of the Harry Potter Universe. Essentially a total jerk with a heart of gold.
9. Luna Lovegood
G: Psycho butt. No, but for real. Luna’s the real Ravenclaw MVP.
R: It’s time for round two of Rachael’s Unpopular Opinions. Luna Lovegood is the woman Harry should be with, not Ginny *flies away on quidditch broom*.
G: Woooooahhhh. Not seconded!
8. Lily Potter
G: Must’ve been quite something if she had both James and Snape pining over her.
R: Another kick-butt lady!
7. Remus Lupin
G: Ultimate professor crush.
R: He’s the Harry Potter equivalent of every teacher I’ve ever had a crush on x 10.
6. Sirius Black
G: Weird uncle crush, but 10/10.
R: Again, it is a truth universally acknowledged that the Black family was gorgeous. And Sirius totally rocked a man bun at some point in his life. He’s the guy literally I’ve canonically accepted everyone had a crush on while they were attending Hogwarts. Men, women, didn’t matter. Sirius transcends this list.
5. Ginny Weasley
G: The BAMF that gave no fucks.
R: She gets it from her momma.
4. Bill Weasley
G: Winner of the ginger butt family. Werewolf butt. Yup. About all of it. I think I am legitimately still in love with Bill Weasley.
R: Bill Weasley was the punk rock love of my life. Also probably rocked a man bun a la Sirius.
3. Neville Longbottom
G: I mean, he does have a Longbottom.
R: His last name is literally Longbottom. The jokes write themselves. That being said (and all jokes aside), Neville is one of the greatest characters in the series and is made even better by the fact that he ends up being the hot herbology professor at Hogwarts. I’m serious. Have you seen Matthew Lewis?
2. Hermione Granger
G: More like Hermione “Imma fuck me up a bitch” Granger. Made my brand of butt appealing to the general public.
R: She has and will always be kick butt (i.e. that time she was taking a billion classes, casually time traveling, and punched Draco Malfoy all in the same year.) It’s no small wonder Hermione made number 2 on our list.
1. Oliver Wood
G: We were all there. Oliver was in the first book, we loved him, and then he disappeared forever. It’s like that senior you have a crush on freshman year and then have to live the rest of your days without.
R: LONG LIVE OLIVER WOOD.
Did we miss any of your other…uhm..favorite butts? Let us know in the comments.