A Definitive Ranking of A Series of Unfortunate Events Characters

Like you, we’re all very much caught up with Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. And you all know the drill. When we get hooked on something, a definitive ranking just needs to happen. This time, we’ve enlisted the help of our editor-in-chief’s younger sister, Cecile. She is also a fan of the books and comes to share the teenager perspective. That is if you’re a very cynical teenager, but alas. Why else would you be watching this show otherwise?

Obviously, there are major spoilers coming up. If you haven’t read the books or watched the series LOOK AWAY.

21. Eleanora Poe

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© Netflix

G: I understand that she hasn’t murdered anybody, but she was by far the most annoying character. Even Count Olaf was more sensitive with his comments.

C: You know, I get it. I get she is passionate about her job, but are you kidding me? She’s so annoying and insensitive and makes everything about the Daily Punctilio.

20. Count Olaf

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G: Has murdered two people for sure. Looks creepy AF in women’s clothes. Is also a terrible actor, so really, what are the redeeming qualities here?

C: I feel like Count Olaf is less evil in the show than in the books. They made him so much nicer? You know, as opposed to being the devil himself. However, I still love him and the unfortunate events he brings to the Baudelaire Family.

19. Dr. Georgina Orwell

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G: First, this woman puts in evidence that love is blind. Second, her name might be Georgina Orwell, but she ain’t got no brains to be “Big Brother.” And third, how do you just fall back into a fire? Like, how dumb are you right now?

C: I must admit I loved her death scene. It was hilarious. Anyways, I love villains. But this one just pissed me off because of how STUPID she is. Why fall back into the claws of Count Olaf? Why? Are you that dumb? Like, couldn’t she see he was obviously using her?

18. Arthur Poe

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G: Mr. Poe is in heavy need of some glasses and some common sense. What do you mean you don’t realize this is Count Olaf? As a kid, I found it annoying to yell at him while reading the books. As an adult, I am infuriated to the point of wanting him to fall off a cliff never to be seen again.

C: I always hated his stupid coughing and dumb common sense. Can’t you tell the difference between the same guy, only that he’s wearing glasses? You know, I’m starting to think Count Olaf and Poe are working together.

17. Aunt Josephine

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G: You’d think I’d get along with Aunt Josephine, solely based on our mutual love for grammar. Yet, this woman doesn’t have even a twig for a spine. Pre-pubescent children are more “fierce and formidable” than she is. And mind you, Book Aunt Josephine never stood up for the kids, not even for a second. She was through and through a coward, and as awful as it sounds, totally deserved the leeches.

C: Just have one thing to say: GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER.

G: Guess she can’t now.

16. Hook Handed Man

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G: This is definitely a character you love to hate. The Hook Handed Man is so bad at his job that it puts a smile on my face even when he’s keeping Sunny captive. The scene where she beats him at poker is amazing, especially because he keeps his end of the deal. Not a sore loser, this one. However, he is still Count Olaf’s most reliable henchman, and thus an evil threat to the Baudelaires.

C: He’s so dumb it makes you feel better about yourself. Honestly what is it with this series and stupid characters. Like, are Violet and Klaus actually smart or do we just think they are because they’re surrounded by idiots? Yet, I must admit I like the way he goes about his job. He doesn’t really want to but does it anyways. He might be harsh on the kids sometimes, but at the end of the day he doesn’t hurt them (or at least not that much).

15. White-Faced Women

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G: As ugly as I imagined them in the books. Exceedingly disturbing to hear them complimenting Olaf on his looks. V barf-worthy, v evil.

C: Not exactly what I imagined they looked like. Disgusting. I wouldn’t leave my house with a face like that.

14. Bald Man

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G: I forget he exists half the time.

C: I find his cluelessness annoying. But still, I feel, again, they all don’t really want to do their jobs.

13. Hench Person of Indeterminate Gender

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G: He might be on the bad guys’ side, but boy does this person bring perspective into my life. A true gem, if only he abandoned Olaf’s turf.

C: He’s literally the best. So hilarious. I really like this guy. He makes the story so much better.

12. Sir

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© Netflix

G: As other book purists, I am saddened that Sir’s face was not covered in smoke. Nonetheless, he’s ranked 12th for being insensitive towards his partner and for being dismissive of the sweatshop of a mill he ran.

C: Hate him.

11. Justice Strauss

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G: Girl. Get. It. To-ge-ther. What do you mean you have to “think about” whether this marriage is void or not?? Honestly, Justice Strauss is to blame for all of the unfortunate events that took place beyond the first book, because had she been an attentive neighbor and not an emotional wreck with no self-esteem, she would have realized that the kids never tried her stupid lamb and that Count Olaf beat Klaus. AND, as a professional law enforcer, SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWN HOW TO SUE HIM.

C: GET OVER THE FACT THAT YOU’LL NEVER BE AN ACTRESS. OR REALLY ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER.

10. Charles

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G: Charles was so pure, so gentle. And so very whipped. But I’m appreciative of him because even in his weakness he was able to show kindness and support to the Baudelaires. Did it do them any good? Not really. But it raised their morale for two hot seconds, which is more than I can say for pretty much everyone else who crossed their path.

C: He was so amazing. He was kind and sweet and showed genuine care for the children.

9. Mr. Quagmire

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G: I think the points here are being assigned to Will Arnett and not so much to the mysterious Quagmire father who we know very little about except for his love of adventure and nonchalant attitude.

C: I feel disappointed in this, Netflix. Considering that he is such a mysterious character, you are just throwing him too much on screen. The whole point of this story is how mysterious it is, and you’re just taking it away.

8. Mrs. Quagmire

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G: And once again, Cobie Smulders is not the mother. I did like seeing her in this badass role. Quite the jump from a news anchor. That being said, she was still a rich Canadian back then, so what has changed, really?

C: I must say, as much as I like sticking to the original story, I did like this version of Mrs. Quagmire.

7. Gustav

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G: Too hot for his role? Like, why do you have to cast pretty people to just kill them off? This story was already sad enough, Netflix.

C: EXTREMELY HOT. IT WAS SO SAD KNOWING HE WAS GOING TO DIE AND I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN.

6. Uncle Monty

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G: Montgomery Montgomery is definitely the cool uncle. The one you want to host every Christmas dinner. He was also an aloof uncle who, despite his coolness and rad reptiles, also couldn’t pick up on the fact that Stephano was actually Count Olaf in disguise. Which is maddening because he had known Count Olaf, as we know, for a very long time.

C: WHY CAN’T ANY CHARACTER EVER NOTICE COUNT OLAF IN DISGUISE? I liked his death scene, and I feel they portrayed him exactly how I imagined him. He’s truly one of the purest and best uncles out there.

5. Jacquelyn

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G: When authors start adding things to their already established series (*cough* JK Rowling *cough*), one gets very frightened of the possible results, simply because it’s rarely executed successfully. But here comes Daniel Handler and writes us Jacquelyn who is kick-butt fantastic, and I cannot wait to see her in action alongside Kit Snicket (if she makes it that far). Also, she is most definitely not Kit Snicket because her interaction with Olaf would’ve been veeeery different. (I could be wrong, because who knows with these things).

C: I loved Jacquelyn, and I couldn’t help but ship her with Gustav (until his death, of course). And I loved the fact that she was working for Mr. Poe. Wished she was in the original books, but I’m pleased with her in the series, and I hope she makes it really far. (But not too far. I want her dead before the last book.)

4. Klaus Baudelaire

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G: When I first read the series, Klaus Baudelaire was my dream boy. He was nerdy, bookish, and could teach me a whole many things. Had I been a Baudelaire orphan, I would’ve been Klaus. Now revisiting the story as a 22-year-old, I still feel the most connected to Klaus, this time as a child I would adopt. This is my son. Protect him.

C: Klaus is hot, end of the story. I must say I always liked Klaus while reading the books. I found him interesting, and I love how he just knows everything and anything and is always coming up with brilliant ideas. Truly my favorite character.

3. Violet Baudelaire

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G: As a kid, this is who I wanted to be. Even if in the books the Baudelaire orphans are more passive, Violet was still quick with a plan and a pillar for her siblings. As the eldest child of a family of three, I also empathized with Violet’s plight. Yet, most importantly, have I ever wished anything more in this world than being able to wrap a ribbon around my hair and becoming an engineering genius?

C: Now this is me. Violet is quick and clever, determined to save her siblings no matter what. I’ve always liked her skills and how she tied up her hair every time she was coming up with a plan. I sometimes found her annoying, since she can be too sweet, but she is a character you can’t hate.

2. Sunny Baudelaire

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G: It is true that Klaus is more knowledgeable and Violet more resourceful, but the sass of Sunny Baudelaire knows no limits. She could easily win a Nobel Prize solely for her facial expression when Aunt Josephine said she was afraid of real estate agents. Amazing. A true queen.

C: Honestly, best. baby. ever. I love how she chews things up with her four sharp teeth, her sass, her adorable hair and just her. She’s so funny, and I just love her.

1. Lemony Snicket

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G: My dear Lemony, how your sarcasm, cynicism, and quick wit has shaped me. I am the person I am today thanks to you. If only I could’ve spared you from the pain of losing your dear Beatrice, darling, dearest, dead. But then again, she wrote you a whole book on how she couldn’t marry you. So please find a nice lady, marry her, and be happy. Also, Patrick Warburton is PERFECT. Thank you for being part of this show. My heart is bigger for it.

C: He’s a perfect character with sarcasm, depression, and a sour taste in humor (by that I mean none). My second favorite character, but the one that has intrigued me the most. I also love the fact that he used to date Beatrice, and I’m constantly asking myself why she didn’t marry him. Anyways, he’s the best at making you ponder for hours and truly one of a kind. Also, how cool is it that one of the characters wrote the story?

G: Lemony Snicket for president.

 

Did we miss any of your favorite characters? Let us know in the comments.

 

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