It’s a bit difficult to compartmentalize what exactly The OA is. The closest we can get is an often less-than-feel-good science fiction space-time odyssey about a woman who escapes seven years in captivity which, *whew*, is a mouthful. And we loved every episode of it. And, as is customary when a television show leaves us in a state of twitchy, sleep deprived shock, we joined forces to rank all of the OA characters. If you haven’t spent an entire day binge watching The OA like we did, then you might want to avert your eyes for the time being. If you did, then check out if your favorite OA characters made it to the top of our definitive ranking.
There are MAJOR SPOILERS present here. We reference development of OA characters as well as, you know, THE ENDING.
Let us know in the comments if you agree with our ranking or if you think we’re crazy (that counts, too).
Without further ado, we give you our The OA character ranking:
15. Dr. Hunter Aloysius “Hap” Percy
R: I wanted to believe that Jason Isaacs was capable of playing a good guy, but I’ve listened to too many true crime podcasts not to know that Jim Croce and insulated windows means it’s already too late.
G: After so many years repressing any inkling of physical attraction for Lucius Malfoy, here I go and fall for the serial killer.
14. Elias Rahim
R: Dear Elias Rahim (if that is even your real name)– I thought that you, out of all the characters, had a kind and honest face. You wore nice sweaters and talked about the importance of hugs. And then you showed up in the OA’s house in the middle of the night for no apparent reason other than to possibly plant some books under her bed, obliterating my sense of trust. You, sir, are a snake with nice hair.
G: Elias Rahim is the reason why kids have trust issues and don’t like to talk to therapists.
13. Roman Azarov
R: If the OA had done a little more digging she might have discovered that her father was, indeed, alive (for a brief time) and living in New York under the name Vladimir Ranskahov. Roman/Vladimir would later be killed during a shootout after teaming up with Daredevil to help protect Hell’s Kitchen. (I’ve fully accepted that all Netflix shows happen within the same universe and you should too).
G: I don’t think I ever understood if Roman was supposed to make me feel safe or scared. Most of the time I was just scared.
12. Scott Brown
R: Never trust a white dude with dreadlocks who doesn’t like mustard. (Also, being from Massachusetts, every time I hear the name Scott Brown I think of Senator Scott Brown and that just opens a whole other can of worms lemme tell you).
G: Sometimes you try to be Judas, but you end up being Lazarus and owing people some money for waking you the fuck up.
11. Nancy Johnson
R: You know what, Nancy!? You wouldn’t have to worry about your daughter sneaking out at night and hanging out with strangers IF YOU HAD JUST GIVEN HER THE WIFI PASSWORD.
G: There are many kinds of mothers in this world. Nancy is of the variety that specializes in fucking everything up with her over-parenting.
10. Abel Johnson
R: All he wants is to be a good dad. Let him be the good dad he wants to be.
G: Good father-daughter relationships always make me cry.
9. Steve Winchell
R: I feel like Steve’s listened to one too many Eminem songs.
G: Steve, sometimes you just have got to get it together. Stop stabbing people with pencils! Stop unleashing vicious dogs at them! Stop punching throats!
R: If Sharon Van Etten ever reads this I want her to know that when I found out she was playing Rachel I immediately told my friends listen to Serpents because it is AMAZING.
G: Why didn’t you get a move, Rachel? What are you hiding?
R: Instead of the five movements I’m going to practice emulating Renata smoking a cigar and refusing Hap’s advances.
G: Her white pantsuit freaked me out.
R: He’s like if Dustin from Stranger Things grew up to become a stoner. Protect him.
G: The unsung hero and precious cinnamon roll of this show. Remember him having a heart to heart with BBA while they were cleaning out her brother’s old room? Yeah, that’s right.
5. Alfonso “French” Sosa
R: Alfonso Sosa isn’t just a cinnamon roll. He’s a whole tray of cinnamon rolls fresh out of the oven, sprinkled with a hearty helping of drugs, sadness, and early onset adult responsibilities. Delicious.
G: Alfonso also happens to be the new face of high functioning anxiety and the new poster on my wall. Right next to Jon Snow, another sad and brave fellow like himself. To be fair, Alfonso knows a great many things.
4. Buck Vu
R: It’s really hard to put into words how much I love Buck.
G: Actual angel.
3. Betty Broderick-Allen
R: She’s everyone’s mom and I love her.
G: “My boys.” That is all. That is all I am saying right now.
R: You know that machine Hap uses to hear everyone’s heartbeats? If you pointed it at my chest you wouldn’t be able to hear mine because Homer killed me.
G: AKJVBNSKJBDVKSBVKSJBVSKJBVSJVBSKDV MY HEART.
1. Nina Azarov/Prairie Johnson/The OA
R: There’s nothing in this world that a cup of tea and a long nap can’t fix. Except… well… except maybe blood-loss and irrevocable sadness because you might never see the man you love again. But they’ll take care of the rest!
G: I don’t care if she has been lying to me. This girl needs and deserves a hot shower with no weird premonitions and a proper hug that doesn’t come from snakes like Rahim.