David Lynch and Mark Frost are back with a Twin Peaks revival. We’d love to say that we’ve taken the new episodes into consideration for this ranking, but let’s be real. We will not figure out what the heck is happening with any of these characters until the very end. And even then…who knows.
Here to assist Rachael and Gaby in this Twin Peaks character ranking is Nick from The Littlest Winslow. (You might remember him for his musings on watching Twin Peaks for the first time). Since we got him into this mess, we’re trying to help him get out of it.
[Spoiler-infested waters; swim at your own risk.]
29. Jocelyn “Josie” Packard
N: Josie’s fate seemed a little bit racist to me? There was potential here. They should’ve kept milking that Josie/Catherine feud.
R: Name an episode where Josie’s hair wasn’t on point. I dare you.
G: I simply cannot with Josie.
28. Sarah Palmer
G: Stop screaming. Just stop. Also, TOTALLY KNEW who killed her daughter the WHOLE time.
N: Sarah Palmer is so extra. At first, I wanted her to shut her face immediately, but later, I kind of liked laughing at her. Still, get off my screen.
R: Sarah made some of the best faces and had the absolute worst hair. I think her hair made me hate her more than the screaming.
G: I spent a lot of time discussing how The Angry Boy from Legion is the creepiest thing I’ve seen, but that’s after Bob. Bob has haunted me for years since first watching Twin Peaks.
R: I’m terrified that one day I’ll look into a mirror and Bob will be there chilling. No thank you.
N: I want to be Bob for Halloween this year.
26. Jerry Horne
G: As big a douchebag as his brother Ben, but also had no good looks and literally no redeeming qualities (Ben’s being the fact that he produced Audrey).
R: If anyone can tell me where I can purchase a pair of Jerry Horne sunglasses it’d be much appreciated.
N: Do I have to comment on this toolbox?
25. Leland Palmer
G: I understand that the dude was possessed, but he also knew he was possessed. So take preemptive measures! Protect your daughter! Also, Leland as a non-possessed person was not that great either. He made me uneasy in every way. Gut intuition is never wrong.
R: Thanks to Twin Peaks, I clench up a little whenever I see Ray Wise on my television.
N: I enjoyed the madness that was Leland/Bob/Owl-man-guy, but after watching the dude rape his daughter in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, I just want to hide under some blankets and weep. Also, what Gaby said.
24. Dr. Lawrence Jacoby
G: This guy’s a pedophile, even if he had “good” intentions.
N: I NEVER TRUSTED HIM. Jacoby gave me the jeebies.
R: The fact that anyone in the town of Twin Peaks called a man who wore red and blue glasses and a jungle print suit “Doctor” is the biggest mystery of all.
23. Benjamin Horne
G: Again, more okay with Ben than other people because he’s Audrey’s father. Than being said, the guy is the king of sketch and runs businesses that endanger people’s lives. Also, was 100% not in love with Laura, get over yourself.
N: I was never really able to get a handle on this guy’s intentions or motivations. But he didn’t rape his daughter, so that was cool (even if he did become mentally unhinged toward the end).
R: No one who wears ties that fat is trustworthy.
22. Laura Palmer
G: Okay, Laura is dead for all of the show (even if she appears in dreams), so we can only judge her by what others tell us. While she did have a pretty traumatic life, she also does strike me like the kind of person who would’ve found trouble regardless of suffering under Bob/Leland. That being said, she deserved justice and none of the crap she got.
R: Did you know that the band Bastille has two hit singles that were inspired by Twin Peaks? ‘Laura Palmer’ and ‘Overjoyed’. It’s only a matter of time until they release ‘Log Lady’.
N: Man, Laura was definitely troubled. Seeing her last days was one of the only good parts about Fire Walk With Me. Though I agree with you, Gaby, that she was definitely troubled before the Bob/Leland fiasco, she deserved better. It’s a heartbreaking tale, even after you take out all the supernatural elements. *cue the “Laura Palmer’s Theme” piano*
21. Leo Johnson
G: Even though Leo isn’t the worst of the worst, he still has severe anger management issues and was abusive towards Shelly. I mean, the guy took her to the mill, tied her up, and set the place on fire. Yes, she cheated on you, but relax.
N: Again, beating women…not cool, bro. Also, it was super weird when Windham Earle just kept Leo in captivity for like the last bajillion episodes. WHAT WAS EVEN HAPPENING AT THE END THERE!?
R: Leo Johnson is an asshole and I wish Shelly had chopped off his ponytail Delilah-style.
20. James Hurley
R: Double no.
N: By the time that lady was framing James for murder in a C-plot that had nothing to do with anything, I knew that Lynch and Frost were losing the reigns. I liked James in the beginning….but this is what happens when you have no idea what you’re doing with your characters after a major mystery is solved.
19. Donna Hayward
G: Had Donna spent less time trying to be Laura and more time actually helping with her case, my feelings towards her would have been very different. In all honesty, Donna was poised to be my favorite based on the first few scenes. That was one rude awakening.
R: STOP CRYING.
N: I agree. I wanted Donna to be driven and determined. I wanted to see her take her relationship with Laura and actually DO something about her friend’s murder. But Donna was a teenage girl who was all me, me, me. Bye, girl. Minus points for that movie recast.
18. Dr. Will Hayward
N: I learned that the actor, Warren Frost, is the real-life father of co-creator Mark Frost.
G: Neutral and irrelevant.
17. Bobby Briggs
R: Part of me thinks that the artists working on the animated Anastasia movie looked at Bobby Briggs and that’s how Dimitri happened. The hair, the layered shirts… it’s all there.
N: Dude. I’m telling you. He looks exactly like Gary Johnston from Team America World Police. And that guy’s a puppet!
G: Dimitri had a better personality, but I can’t deny this layered shirts and hair thing…
16. Shelly Johnson
R: Who could have guessed Shelly Johnson would grow up to be Betty Cooper’s mother?
N: Shelly’s aiiight. I wish she didn’t let Leo beat her up for so long though. I would let her serve me a slice of pie.
G: She clearly had held guns before. #SouthsideSerpent
15. Maddy Ferguson
G: Tried saving her with sympathy points, but why did you have to go and be Donna and James’ third wheel?
N: I take issue when the same actor/actress comes on to play an entirely different, non-twin character. It’s reaching. She was harmless, but bye girl.
R: See, I’m the opposite of Nick. I love how unnerving it can be when an actor/actress plays non-twin characters.
14. The Man from Another Place (Dancing Midget)
N: Man, there would be no Black Lodge without this guy. He really gave it some extra eeriness. Bummer we won’t be seeing him in the revival. In the movie, we found out that The Man from Another Place was actually the embodiment of the one armed man’s severed arm. I got really freaked out at the, “I want all my garmonbozia,” part. Yo, the movie was straight up shit though, you guys.
R: Is there anything more iconic than Michael J. Anderson dancing? This is a rhetorical question. The answer is no.
G: I once gave a presentation on Twin Peaks and hyperreality for a social theory class, and the first thing I did was play the dancing midget clip with no context and no warning.
13. Hank Jennings
N: Stop standing in the way of TRUE LOVE, HOMIE.
G: His only redeeming quality was being hot…and not being as trash as half of the other characters.
12. Big Ed Hurley
N: Ed and Norma forever. <33
G: Idk, Ed shot a person in the eyeball?
11. Nadine Hurley
N: Like the character, like the actress, but WHY did she go back to high school it doesn’t MAKE SENSE. But asking Twin Peaks to make sense is futile.
G: Nadine was a wreck, but an enjoyable one.
R: Nadine is the Barb of Twin Peaks. Or is Barb the Nadine of Stranger Things? You be the judge.
10. Deputy Tommy “Hawk” Hill
N: Hawk was one of those supporting characters that I didn’t get at first. Were they going to flesh him out more? No…just have him standing around? K. But by the end of the series, I found I was comforted by his towering presence. Me and Hawk? We’re cool.
G: Exactly. If you think about it, Hawk is the balancing chill this show needed.
R: Only a true badass can rock early 90s dude earrings like Hawk can.
9. Catherine Martell
G: was shady, but badass after becoming woke.
N: Badass, feisty, a little bit of a shrew (in a good way). I liked Catherine’s villainous qualities (mostly because, Josie, ugh). But can we talk about how I knew the Japanese guy was Catherine from his/her very first scene. Were they KIDDING with that shit!? Wtf. Also, points for being Carrie’s mom. She should be in the revival…some way, somehow. Bummer.
R: Catherine and Cersei would get along really well. Minus the incest.
8. Sheriff Harry S. Truman
G: Would’ve ranked much higher if it weren’t for his completely unreasonable obsession with Josie.
N: Recasted. WHYYYY!? I love Harry, but I hope the new actor can nail this one.
7. Norma Jennings
N: Pie, pie, pie.
G: Norma was great, I just wished she would’ve known how to pick them.
6. The Log Lady
5. Lucy Moran
G: Did kind of cheat on Andy, but was still solid.
N: Oh, Lucy and Andy: the original Jim and Pam, except way weirder and far better. She’s probably one of the characters I’m most looking forward to seeing again.
R: Of course Lucy and Andy are together. Have you seen their hair? It was meant to be.
4. Pete Martell
G: The purest human.
N: An American hero.
R: Sunshine in a bucket hat.
3. Audrey Horne
R: Audrey and Dale haven’t boned at least once in the interim between the end of season two and now I’ll be incredibly upset.
N: Please, God, let them be fucking.
G: Audrey Horne is queen. She’s independent, she’s fierce, and she does not give a shit what you think of her (unless your first name’s Dale and your last name’s Cooper).
2. Special Agent Dale Cooper
N: How do I put my love for Dale Cooper into mere words? I love that he makes everyone feel like they’re doing a great job. He wants everyone to feel good about themselves. He has an open mind that never eschews strange possibilities or weird occurrences. He’s like Fox Mulder, but minus the conspiracy theorist. He accepts things for what they are, for what he can infer from evidence right in front of his face. And goddammit, do I also enjoy a damn good cup of coffee. I love you, Agent Cooper, and I hope you found a way to battle Bob out of your body after all these years.
G: You know what takes talent? Making the act of drinking coffee cooler than it already was, not falling prey to the charms of Audrey Horne while she was technically underage, and figuring out a murder mystery by having weird dreams and throwing rocks at bottles.
R: Husband material.
1. Deputy Andy Brennan
G: You know that The Killers song, “Andy You’re a Star”? It was written for this Andy, the guiding light of Twin Peaks.
R: Show me a person who hates Andy Brennan, and I’ll show you a liar.
N: There’s a lot to be said about multi-dimensional characters who change and morph over time. That said, I hope Deputy Andy is exactly how we left him. <3
We hope this Twin Peaks character ranking at least made sense to you. We know we missed a couple of characters, but honestly, there are just SO many.