We’re hoping that by now you’ve had your brain melted by the first season of Westworld. If you haven’t then you might want to avert your eyes from this post because there are MAJOR SPOILERS present here. As is customary here at TNL, we have enlisted the help of a fellow nerd to aid us in the process of ranking all Westworld characters (because we actually love the characters we hate).
With us today is Matthew Murphy from Left Eye Lazy and Longbox Podcast. Matt, along with your usual ranking homegirls Rachael and Gaby, have tried their best to make this list as unbiased as possible. We’ve taken into account the facts as they were presented throughout the season, and not just how many times James Marsden had his shirt off. Let us know in the comments if you agree (or if you think we’re crazy, that counts, too).
A Definitive Ranking of Westworld Characters
19. Doctor Robert Ford
R: Is Anthony Hopkins even capable of playing a character that isn’t totally terrifying? This is a rhetorical question. The Answer is no. And to be perfectly honest? The thing that mortified me the most in a show that was regularly pretty mortifying is that Ford missed his BFF so much that he thought making a robot replica of him would be OK. Except on some level, he knew that it wasn’t OK, so he gave him another name. Matt, Gaby, you guys are great and all, but I’m never bringing you back as robots.
M: Trust no man who hangs out with a child robot version of himself alone in the woods for fun.
G: Anthony Hopkins is a man who has played Hitler, Nixon, Van Helsing, HANNIBAL…Why do we keep signing up for this horror show? But most importantly, how am I supposed to enjoy my yearly re-watch of How the Grinch Stole Christmas without suffering from gory flashbacks? (In case you didn’t know, he’s the narrator). Also, does Hector remind him of the days when he played el Zorro?
18. The Man in Black
R: Once an absolutely psychotic murder-y douche bag, always an absolutely psychotic murder-y douche bag. Just older and more wrinkled.
M: This guy shot a child/robot thing point blank in the face and I kept watching the show. I mean, he’s fucking awful, but the stage presence!
G: William, the hat didn’t look good then, and it sure as hell doesn’t look good now.
R: I had such high hopes for William. He chose the white hat. But noooooooo. Good ole William (aka “Don’t call me Billy”) had to go and jump right off the deep end of the murder pool, strip his future brother-in-law naked and send him off into the desert on the back of a horse, and then grow up to be Ed Harris.
M: Somewhere, a feminist is writing a think-piece on William, Westworld, and the Problem with “Nice Guys”.
G: The conclusion is that Jimmi Simpson physically cannot play good guys. He was so close. In fact, he could’ve even relegated the “psycho” aspects to his older self. But no. He was like “let’s fuck some shit up.” Thanks, William. Also, get it in your head: THE MAZE ISN’T FOR YOU BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU.
R: For the better part of an entire season the writers of Westworld very cleverly lead us to believe that Logan had the makings of a truly despicable villain. Turns out he was just an a-hole with a whole lot of money and privilege (played brilliantly by Ben Barnes). Personally? I hope we haven’t seen the last of Logan. I’d love to see him confront William as an older man.
M: A part of me hopes that Logan is alive for season 2 and the other part of me hopes he died naked riding that horse into the sunset.
G: I will admit that I would be fine with losing sight of Logan if it weren’t for Ben Barnes. That being said, I am 100% down for a Medieval World season in which Logan shows up as Prince Caspian.
R: Another dude, another douchebag. Although I really do hope we get some Sylvester next season if just for the Frick and Frack dynamic between him and Felix.
M: I keep typing out jokes about stereotypes Sylvester reminds me of at comic conventions but I can’t pick just one! Mansplainer and neckbeard are my go tos.
G: Definitely the wimp you love to hate. And boy, is there hate.
R: I just realized that Lawrence was also called El Lazo. El Lazo means “The Lasso” or “The rope”. A fitting name for a man who always wound up hanged. Also my brain just melted a little.
M: Lawrence was involved in more rope-play this season than the entirety of the Fifty Shades trilogy.
G: Yeah. Remember that time when Old William hung Lawrence up a tree and drained his blood to save Teddy? That was nice.
13. Arnold/Bernard Lowe
M: How many times did Ford have to see Arnold naked to get Bernard’s host penis perfectly right? Am I thinking too much into this?
G: I don’t think the real plot twist was the fact that Bernard was Arnold, but that Bernard didn’t really need glasses.
12. Lee Sizemore
R: Lee Sizemore is the most accurate depiction of a male writer that I’ve ever seen in a television show.
M: Toxic masculinity is toxic.
G: Also Guy in your MFA. Also makes me want to barf a little bit every time he comes on screen.
11. Charlotte Hale
R: Sadly not even Charlotte’s keen fashion sense could not save her from from Anthony Hopkins. Which is a bummer because the dress that she wears during the red wed– board meeting is GORGEOUS.
M: Charlotte is an example for any young professional in the corporate setting. If you mine data to impress your superiors and gain power, you might get shot by the robots you’re trying to fuck over.
G: An actual nasty woman with a very enviable wardrobe. Still dreaming about those pants she wears while delivering the ultimatum to our friend Ford.
R: Ugh those pants. I have pants envy.
10. Theresa Cullen
R: Relationships can be tough. Especially when you find out that the man you’ve been hooking up with is a robot controlled by Anthony Hopkins.
M: Man, one second you break up with your hook up buddy and the next he’s a robot bashing your skull into a concrete wall! Can’t find a good man these days in corporate!
G: Between calling the A.I. “Hosts” and the last name “Cullen,” this show has too many Stephenie Meyer references. However, it is clear that Theresa is not of the undead Cullens.
R: Armistice? More like Armless-tice. (No, I won’t apologize for this joke, thank you very much).
M: I’m not saying I want a naked Armistice to choke me out in a lab until the bones in my neck start to crack, but I won’t say I’m not into it.
G: She scares me. Especially after she bit that guy’s finger off. In retrospect, he was even kind of nice in comparison to other butchers.
8. Clementine Pennyfeather
R: I’ll be patiently waiting until 2018 for Maeve and Clementine to reunite and then kick some serious butt together.
M: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind taught me to never trust a Clementine. Westworld taught me to never trust a Clementine or lobotomy procedures.
G: I don’t know why I love Clementine so much, but I’ve been waiting all season for her to have a more prominent role. Can we take her to Samurai World or whatever this is?
7. Ashley Stubbs
R: Ashley Stubbs is the Gendry Waters of Westworld.
M: Handsome Hemsworth is Handsome.
G: Stubbs’ Achilles heel was always being surprised when “Freeze All Motor Functions” didn’t work.
6. Elsie Hughes
R: Sure, we got a quick glimpse of Bernarnold choking Elsie out, but we never did see her body. And now there’s this whole mysterious voice recording thing that has surfaced online. I’m keeping all of my fingers crossed that she vectors her way back into season two with Stubbs in tow.
M: Somebody save Elsie! I need someone on this show who can deal out some sass without being a remorseless murderer!
G: Maybe Elsie will come back turned into an Ellie from The Last of Us type character. Playing morbid indie tunes on her guitar while sitting around a pile of freshly-killed enemies. I believe Elsie is truly that level of badass.
5. Teddy Flood
R: Ladies, find you a man who will willingly murder a whole bunch of innocent hosts for you without second guessing it until the last possible second when the crushing guilt sets in.
M: Teddy kind of depresses me. He’s that one guy you know who’s always trying to do the right thing but is constantly being manipulated into doing bad things for love.
G: I agree with Rachael, but if their last name is Flood, keep yours. I also hope Teddy’s character evolves so we can see all that James Marsden has to offer. Like, all.
4. Hector Escaton
R: You can’t introduce a roguish thief-type with a piano cover of Paint it Black playing in the background and not expect me to fall in love. Also, no one can rock a black leather cowboy hat and a menacing facial scar like Hector Escaton.
M: Westworld’s most notorious thief is also the most easily distracted and manipulated character. Hector, I want to fear you, but you’re just a big softie.
G: LATIN AMERICA #REPRESENT.
3. Felix Lutz
R: Felix Lutz is a precious cinnamon roll who needs to be protected at all costs. Maybe Season Two will just be about him and Maeve saving her robot daughter and living happily ever after together. I’d watch that.
M: Sometimes, you get so hooked on a girl, you let her physically abuse your coworkers and let her friends murder the security guards. You have to let her know the love is real!
G: I do love Felix (from the moment he almost cried when his little stolen A.I. bird came to life). But, bro. The girl and her friends just shot a bunch of people you work with, and all you can say is, “Oh, btw. I got you your daughter’s location. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.” ???
2. Dolores Abernathy/Wyatt
R: In a world of Robert Fords and Williams be a Dolores/Wyatt.
M: Imagine falling in love with someone in a loop of past lives. Imagine clinging to that memory as you fall deeper and deeper into an existential crisis throughout decades. And then you find out that that love was as much of a lie as everything else in your life. I’d probably become a mass murderer for a second time as well.
G: Did Matt just validate psycho William? Anyways, Dolores used to live in darkness and now she is woke. She’s finally not a teenager anymore, realized her “parents” had been spoon-feeding her ideologies, and she’s very, very angry. (Also, if Metal World becomes a thing and Marilyn Manson shows up I am LEAVING).
1. Maeve Millay
R: I have one word for you: Queen. Actually I lied. I have some more words. Maeve Millay is one of the strongest female characters in recent television history and the fact that she’s a WoC in a world created and controlled by predominantly by crusty old white men? That makes her even more important. Thandie Newton doesn’t take home all of the Emmys and Golden Globes this award season I’ll make her some myself. They’ll be crudely fashioned out of tinfoil and love.
M: Maeve reminds me of the War Boys from Mad Max: Fury Road. She lives, she dies, she lives again! And if you stand in her way, you best be ready to die. Also, if she wants to have sex with you, be ready to die. Just be ready to die around Maeve.
G: I’m glad Maeve’s last name is Millay, because to quote Edna St. Vincent Millay, “My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—It gives a lovely light!” Ford and his hosts are not the only ones who can quote stuff, you know?