This is a spoiler-filled Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6, “Beyond the Wall” recap
During “Eastwatch,” Jon Snow decided he was going to put together a suicide squad so they could prove to Cersei that the White Walkers exist. (This, of course, required going beyond the Wall as the episode title suggests). And yes, we all knew this was a bad idea. But they did it anyway. The result? A zombified dragon, a bereaved Khaleesi, a certain-death Benjen, and five panic attacks. (We did predict the death of a dragon, but not the comeback as a winter zombie).
But! Jon Snow called Daenerys ‘Dany,’ so as far as aunt-nephew love stories go, we’re golden. At least we can cross off one thing off of the “things we’re looking forward to this season” list. So much for the Stark Family Reunion™.
However, a noted upside is the absence of Cersei in this episode, with the downside that maybe that would’ve been more relaxing than watching the Ladies of Winterfell be divided and possibly conquered by Littlefinger. (We still don’t understand what Bran’s role is in Winterfell. Like 10/10 the dude could prevent this if he would only stop watching other people getting it on through his creepy Three Eyed Raven powers).
Now, if you thought this episode was Xanax-level bad, let us kindly remind you that the next one is 82 minutes long. An hour and 22 minutes followed by nothing but radio silence until Season 8 hits our screens in…early 2019? Stressed.
A brief commentary on what went down in Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6, “Beyond the Wall”
The Suicide Squad goes beyond the wall and shit doesn’t go as planned
G: Is this what parents feel watching their children throw away their lives? Because man was this plan dumb. Thank God they brought extras to even out the death count. And also, as a Last of Us veteran, I knew this zombie shit was not going to be contained.
R: I started screaming at my television when the zombie polar bear appeared and didn’t stop until Jon and Daenerys were holding hands. I think a few blood vessels popped.
M: Westeros? More like Bisexteros, am I right? Also, is that the bear Tormund had sexual relations with? Beyond the Wall seems way too cold for this much tension.
K: I had a week to mentally prepare myself for all the deaths I expected in this episode, and Thoros ended up being the only semi-relevant death. I’m almost disappointed. Game of Thrones has made me a serious masochist.
Arya recounts a time when her father clapped at her and throws some major shade at Sansa
G: Right in the father-daughter feels. Also, “you wouldn’t have survived what I survived” ?! Sansa, sorry to break it to you, but Arya was like dead at one point. We ourselves aren’t even sure of what we saw.
R: On a scale of one to Arya having a terrifying bag full of faces under your bed, how badly do you need therapy?
M: All it took was a family reunion to undo an entire six seasons of character development for Sansa.
K: I was actually scared for Sansa’s life until I realized ARYA WAS INDIRECTLY PROPOSING SANSA TO KILL LITTLEFINGER SO ARYA CAN STEAL HIS FACE, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIS POSITION, ALL WHILE ALSO GETTING HIM OUT OF THE WAY.
Suicide Squad sends Gendry to fetch Dany, and homegirl delivers
G: Jon’s face when Dany showed up with her badass dragons was me. I was also Dany when Jon was like “Nah, I’m not getting on that dragon,” and Dany thought, “And here I was, saying the bitch was short.”
R: All of that cardio from rowing really paid off.
M: Every time Dany and Jon make eye contact, I tell myself that the incest on this show is bad. But why does it always feel so right?!
K: The real plot twist is not when Game of Thrones kills characters, but when they actually get them out of harm’s way and help them set up some Dragon ex Machina.
Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen hold hands and Jon calls her Dany brb while we RIP
G: I KNOW OTHER IMPORTANT SHIT HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE BUT FUCK YES BANG YOUR AUNT BEFORE YOU FIND OUT AND THE ILLUSION IS BROKEN! ALSO YES SHIRTLESS JON SNOW!
R: S1: INCEST IS WRONG AND GROSS.
S7: BOY I SURE HOPE JON AND HIS AUNT BONE SOON.
M: Honey, you ain’t gonna be barren when it comes to that sweet, incest loving coming your way.
K: So not only did Jon say he would bend the knee for Daenerys, he also implied he would get on his knees for Dany.
G: Oh, the knees are happening.
Sansa sends Brienne to King’s Landing, and Littlefinger might win this fight
G: I love the Starks as much as the next person, but my God do they all have some kind of common sense deficit.
R: Me: Sending Brienne to King’s Landing is a really horrible idea.
Also Me: BRIENNE AND JAIME ARE FINALLY GOING TO BE REUNITED.
G: Fuck, I was so stressed I forgot that part. READY FOR CERSEI’S FACE, PART II.
M: Someone needs to sit Sansa down and tell her that a pedophile is on the prowl for her and she needs to look for that six seasons of development that’s gone missing in this one.
K: Hard to tell who’s the one closest to their doom: Brienne, Sansa, or Tormund?
“Beyond the Wall” Episode Vitals:
MVP: Gendry Waters, for being faster than Usain Bolt and fetching Khaleesi.
Favorite Moment: Jon Snow calling Daenerys “Dany” (and being shirtless).
Biggest Annoyance: Littlefinger’s existence.
Best Line: “Dick. I like it.” – Tormund
Race for the Throne:
Fourth Place: Cersei Lannister
What is a Cersei?
Third Place: Littlefinger
We still don’t want to talk about it.
Second Place: Jon Snow
Jon Snow has cheated death like six times already. He’ll probably be the last man standing in all of Westeros by the time this winter’s over.
First Place: Daenerys Targaryen
She did lose a dragon, but she got Jon Snow to bend the knee. Count your blessings, winter is here.
Thanks for tuning in to “Game of Thrones S7E06: Race for the Throne Recap.” We’ll be back next week! Live tweet with us when the Episode 7 airs at 9PM EST.