Given that last night’s episode of Game of Thrones was so intense, Rachael and Gaby decided that the
only best way to cope with this PTSD was to definitively rank the most bodacious men of all the kingdoms from Westeros to Essos, the still living and the dead.
For this ranking we followed one major criteria: butts. Yet, this does not mean that other factors were not taken into account. For instance, one can win points based on facial hair, personality, and sword handling.
We begin with the utmost worst of the worst:
12. Ramsay Bolton
R: What’s wrong with you? Seriously. I don’t care if Iwan Rheon was cute in Misfits. It’s time to reevaluate your priorities. Or see a shrink. Or Both.
G: Also Ramsay’s dead now so…
11. Petyr Baelish/Littlefinger
R: He’s no one’s bae. (Get it? Because Bae-lish.)
10. Sandor Clegane/The Hound
R: While he’s only been in two episodes this season, Sandor Clegane has been in our hearts since we thought Arya left him for dead. He has a face only a mother (and a fangirl) could love and the dogged personality of someone who is really just sick and tired of the sh*t he’s been put through. He also has a soft spot for a certain red haired Stark, and that gives him major points.
9. Tyrion Lannister
G: This butt doesn’t get too much screen time. We probably never wondered about it thanks to the fact that when we first me the Imp, he was too much into call girls. But as his wisdom has aged like fine wine, we can step back and remember all those good times when Tyrion didn’t force his butt into Sansa’s face, when it loved Shae, and when it shot Tywin while his own tooshie was at work. Despite the fact that we don’t really know what this butt looks like, I think we should give him points because, unlike everybody else, he is not obsessed with sitting his butt on the Iron Throne. (PS: Tyrion also wins points for his solid sixth season beard.)
8. Jaime Lannister
R: If Game of Thrones took place in 1993 and Jaime Lannister was making mixtapes during his down time as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, then there’s a pretty good chance Meat Loaf’s rock-ballad, “I’d Do Anything for Love,” would be on all of them. Okay, yes. Jaime Lannister has the cheekbones of a fairy-tale prince, but he also pushed a child out of a window when he and his twin sister were discovered having sex. And just because he had his sword hand chopped off and is in love with Brienne of Tarth does not make that okay.
7. Jaqen H’ghar
R: A man can get it.
6. Tormund Giantsbane
R: Looking for a man who knows how to handle a she-bear in bed? Hailing from beyond the wall, Tormund Giantsbane is a member of the Free Folk and one of Jon Snow’s most trusted allies and friends. While he’s not the smartest man in the war room, he’s passionate, loyal, and kissed by fire (which is considered to be lucky by the Free Folk). Let’s face it; Tormund’s beard alone is enough to make all of your deep-seated lumbersexual fantasies come true.
5. Daario Naharis
G: It is evident that even the casting crew of Game of Thrones was highly concerned with producing a butt-erful Daario because, hello, they changed the actor. And aren’t we glad? Michiel Huisman has the tightest ass in all of Essos, so much so that he is the only one who shares a bed with the Mother of Dragons. Given that Khaleesi could choose anyone she pleases (she does own three flame-spitting dragons), I’d say that gives Daario some fine points.
4. Robb Stark
G: Even though Robb Stark has been dead for years, one still dreams about his majestic butt: the true gift of the North. The good thing is that we at least got to see it again (in tights) when he played Prince Charming in the live-action Cinderella. However, it is still highly missed in Westeros. I think the God of Light should consider bringing this fine gentleman back to the land of the living. Or at least a land where I’m in. Preferably with no one else so there is no competition…
3. Gendry Waters
R: Last we saw of Gendry Waters, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son and the most handsome blacksmith in all of The Seven Kingdoms, he was rowing away from his imminent death and towards an uncertain future (hopefully towards The Brotherhood Without Banners, where he canonically belongs.) That was three seasons ago. Needless to say, we miss Gendry, his Cary-Elwes-circa-the-Princess-Bride charm (m’lady), and that one shot of him standing by the forge without his shirt on. We can only hope that he’ll eventually turn up again, shirtless, and with his arms the size of tree trunks from all the rowing he’s been doing.
2. Khal Drogo
G: There is some beastly, horse-like quality to the soon-to-be Aquaman, and that equals almost all of the points in some books. Khal Drogo is the moon and stars of a generation mostly thanks to his butt. If you think about it, Khal Drogo is like Tarzan on steroids. Given that we were all about lanky monkey boy, it is safe to say that we bow before the Dothraki stallion.
1. Jon Snow
G: It is true that he might know nothing and that he used a butt double in the Ygritte sexy-time scene, BUT JON SNOW IS THE REAL BUTT MVP IN ALL OF GAME OF THRONES. Why? Because whenever we see this butt, it is about to whoop some…ass. And not only does Jon Snow come with an adorable butt, a killer back, and some aesthetically pleasing arms (that Ser Davos got to enjoy more than any of us), but he also possesses: the half man bun. This hair evolved like a Pokémon. It began as a free, loose spirit, then became a tame and cuddly bun, and now has turned into Shang’s half man bun from Mulan. Way to get down to business to defeat the Boltons. 10 Points for House Stark.
R: I was never much of a Jon Snow girl (he was always too indecisive), but seeing him dressed in leather, brandishing a sword, with a perfect man bun and rage in his eyes, and drenched in the blood of his enemies made me feel things that I never thought I would feel.
Were there any Game of Throne butts we missed? Let us know in the comments below.