Pokémon Go Review: A Developing Story
It is a truth universally acknowledged that today all millennials have been played, teased, and blessed by the gods of Nintendo, Niantic, and the Pokémon Company. July 6th marks the much anticipated (and highly questioned) release of Pokémon GO, and with it my hopes for catching the bus on time tomorrow.
It all started when the game became available in New Zealand and Australia, and the rest of the globe sat nervously on the edge of their seat. The gods also have a sense of humor, and claimed that we only needed to “wait a while.” Well, how were we supposed to know what “a while” stood for?!?!?
Alas, an hour ago the game appeared on the United Sates App Store. After some substantial internal screaming while refreshing the App Store and then the app itself, I found myself finally inside the world of Pokémon GO.
It was 1998 all over again, and Professor Willow (LOL, seriously this tree thing is getting out of hand…although willow trees are my favorite!) was there to receive me. He had the audacity of asking me if I knew pokémon exist everywhere (LMAO! DUDE, REALLY? I’VE BEEN HERE SINCE THE 90s). I hope that this is directed to the newcomers, the children born after 2005 who have somehow lived under a rock and do not know what is good in the world.
I am then asked to choose a “style of adventure.” So here I’m like, alright, do I get to choose type of terrain? Scenery? What is this? Apparently this is gender. So I go for vagina, because let me tell you that women have fought long and hard for this right. The days when I HAD to play with a boy because only boys played video games are not that far behind me.
As I opened this function I had one hope, although I didn’t have time to express it fully before I screamed at my empty room: “OMG! YOU CAN CUSTOMIZE HER!” So here I add the palest skin ever. Green eyes because I can’t ever find hazel eyes so I get to be a poser. Yadda yadda. Bro, these clothes do not match right now. I need to speak to the designer of this game because this is NOT my style of adventure, but okay. I’m too excited to care.
Then I am asked if I’m all set. Yes. I’ve been set since I was born. I’m a pokémon master. I have defeated all the gyms from Kanto to Unova and have never caught them all because I am too lazy for that (but I have with my heart).
Then there was a Pokémon in my room. It’s was like my wildest dreams coming true. And it was Bulbasaur!!#@GW$#Y !QEDFDVG (This is the most accurate representation of my feelings because, I’ll have you know, Ivysaur is my favorite Pokémon in the whole wide world.) (Also, Bulbasaur has always been my starting pokémon, followed by any grass type I have been forced to take as replacement). An actual transcript of this occurrence reads as follows:
“Wait. There’s a pokémon in my room? There’s a Bulbasaur in my room. I CAUGHT IT. A BULBASAUR. I LOVE BULBASAUR I THINK I WILL ACTUALLY JUST SIT HERE AND CRY.”
After I have caught a pokémon, which took some time given that nobody really explained how I was supposed to go about this, I am finally initiated into the universe of Pokémon. They ask me for my nickname, I go “Gaby,” and then realize that they are not asking for a “nickname” as much as they’re asking for a “username” and my life is a lie.
I am now beyond excited. I think blood is filling my eyeballs. I realize I took my last breath five minutes ago. I pant. Here’s a screenshot of my Bulbasaur and, yes, my precarious battery life:
*This message has been interrupted due to the fact that it’s 11pm, and I’m not about to start walking around this godforsaken town at this hour just to find pokémon.*
PS: I unknowingly wore my Charmander evolution shirt to bed. Is this magic?
PPS: There’s an Eevee around. Should I risk it?
*This message has returned because I said it was a developing story. It is now 11pm of the next day.*
Hi, welcome back to Gaby’s eternal rant. I want to preface this by saying that Pokémon Go is the dream of commuters. Personally, I commute for four hours every day (two of which involve train rides). There is also a lot of walking and some bus-taking. This is usually a horrifying fact, except for today. Today I was able to catch a bunch of pokémon at each train stop, as well as collecting pokéballs from random places that I didn’t actually go to, but passed by on bus or train.
I succeeded at getting my best friend hooked on this game. This enabled us to bond over Pokémon on the shared portion of our walks to work. At one point, we walked into this apartment complex because some statue in there promised to deliver us the goods. The concerning part is that I’m not even ashamed.
After collecting a bunch of stuff I was not even sure I’d ever need, I got on the train disappointed that I had not come across any real pokémon. And then I caught pokémon for the WHOLE train ride. Here are some of my favorites:
My favorite moment, though, was catching this Paras right outside my stop. Who would’ve thought a train station in the middle of nowhere could be THIS fun? I also caught a Weedle outside my job’s parking lot. Funny thing is, I knew there would be a pokémon because I saw some guy stand and interact with his phone in a way that announced: POKÉMON TRAINER!!!
A fun perk of playing this game is that you get to discover “landmarks,” even if you’re not close enough to them. The game will still show you the title and picture of the location if you press on it. Thanks to this, I discovered that Connecticut is the weirdest place on the planet. Because, what are these?
The sad thing was that it was raining on my way back from work. This impaired me both physically and server-ly as I kept seeing this depressing message over and over:
I persisted. By the time I arrived at my final destination (i.e. another train station) I was ready. I grabbed my pokémon and walked up with the knowledge of decades to the gym. Of course, my resolution was interrupted. The game prompted me to choose a team. I made the smart decision of choosing Mystic/Blue, but it did feel like I was choosing Ravenclaw? After this, I battled at the gym until my game crashed. All my hopes and dreams crashed with it as I was never able to log back into the server. All I have left are these images as proof, and the hope that tomorrow’s commute will be a new opportunity:
And here’s my current status: