Twin Peaks Revival: 58 Things We’ve Learned So Far

Sunday brought us the ninth episode of Twin Peaks: The Return. Do you know what that means? It means that we’ve officially watched half of the episodes David Lynch and Mark Frost have in store for us. Half of a season, and what have we learned? A lot and very little, as it often is with Twin Peaks.

On top of it all, we still haven’t seen all of the original characters promised to appear in the revival. Because, for crying out loud, where the hell is Audrey Horne? Dead? Missing? And it’s not like we can count on Ben Horne to give a rat’s ass about his daughter. So we’ll get nothing from his end.

But anyways. I’m sure more than one diehard fan’s brain is still melted after the weird montage that comprised half of episode eight. For this reason, I’ve jotted down what I think are the key points Lynch and Frost have offered in this first half of the season.

58 Things We’ve Learned So Far From Twin Peaks: The Return 

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© Suzanne Tenner/SHOWTIME

  1. Diane is real and she’s played by Laura Dern
  2. Gordon and Albert seem keen on getting the real Cooper back
  3.  Jacoby now has a web talk show and sells homemade gold-colored shovels to “dig yourself out of the shit”
  4. Kyle Maclachlan still looks good in a leather jacket, even if Doppelganger Cooper makes me incredibly uncomfortable
  5. Bobby Briggs graduated from life and now works with the Sheriff
  6. Bobby still cries over Laura Palmer, 25 years later
  7. Andy and Lucy have a child, and that child is Michael Cera with a motorcycle and a newsboy cap
  8. Special Agent Dale Cooper appreciates Damn Good Coffee™, even when he’s so shook he can’t remember his own name
  9. Shelly Johnson has become Amanda Seyfried‘s mother, which might sound pleasant but turns out she’s dating a junkie and is almost 100% a junkie herself
  10. Playing tag is dangerous in Twin Peaks, because town jerk Richard Horne (rumored bastard son of Audrey Horne and Doppelganger Cooper via rape) will run your kid over
  11. Also, you won’t think about the kid too much because you’re mostly concerned Richard Horne has some weird dealings with a supernaturally touched individual with…wait, was that a leather shirt? Idk, he had a greasy aura
  12. For some reason, the Black Lodge is helping Cooper (via the One-Armed Man/MIKE)
  13. The Black Lodge can be accessed through radio static or electric currents
  14. If you’re at a casino and you see some weird fire atop one of the machines, go there, scream “Hellooo,” and pull that lever
  15. The Log Lady helped Deputy Hawk finds three of four missing pages from Laura Palmer‘s diary stuck inside a bathroom stall door manufactured by a Native-American brand
  16. One of the entries specifies that Annie told Laura in a dream that the good Cooper was stuck in the Lodge
  17. Sheriff Harry S. Truman is severely ill, if not terminally ill, and has been replaced by his brother Sheriff Frank Truman who is in contact with him
  18. Apparently, Sheriff Frank Truman’s wife is kind of crazy because their son committed suicide
  19. We know that Bob‘s backstory has to do with the first atomic bomb explosion in New Mexico 1945, a kind of zombie apocalypse, and what appears to be a toad mixed with a cockroach entering a young girl’s mouth (Wikia provides more on Bob as a refresher)
  20. The Giant, as well as a lady who looks like she came out of Metropolis, know about Bob and have a screen that tells them when something happens to him
  21. The Giant and the lady seem to want to help Cooper, or at least prevent Bob from inflicting more damage
  22. Someone in New York City wants to trap Bob, or find a way into the Black Lodge
  23. Thus far, the glass cage in NYC has seen a black, murderous shadow and a returning Special Agent Dale Cooper
  24. That a man named Ike is being tasked to kill Dougie Jones who is now Cooper
  25. Dougie Jones owed people money, slept with prostitutes, and probably has more unfinished side dealings resulting in his car being blown up
  26. Dougie Jones is married to Janey-E who he has a son with,  and works at an insurance company called Lucky 7
  27. Dougie was also supposedly in a car crash 12-13 years ago, shortly before starting to work at Lucky 7
  28. Ike is currently in jail
  29. Major Briggs‘ headless body was found in the apartment of Ruth Davenport, a local librarian, along with her head
  30. Major Briggs‘ body shows the wrong age and decomposition for someone suspected of having died in a fire 25 years prior
  31. Ruth Davenport was involved with William Hastings, a married school principal, who’s currently in jail and being interrogated by the FBI (Gordon and Albert‘s team)
  32. William Hastings revealed that he and Ruth Davenport ran a blog about alternate dimensions
  33. Before Ruth‘s death, her and William visited “the zone” where they met Major Briggs
  34. Major Briggs asked them to fetch him some coordinates utilizing a government database
  35. Once they delivered the coordinates, Major Briggs floated upwards saying “Cooper. Cooper,” Ruth was killed, and William was grabbed and forced to say his wife’s name, Phyllis.
  36. Phyllis was shot at her house after William was thrown in jail, and his secretary died in a car explosion shortly after
  37. William claims he has no recollection of how he returned home or what happened with Ruth‘s body
  38. Inside of Major Briggs‘ stomach, a ring was found with the inscription “To Dougie with love, Janey-E.”
  39. Doppelganger Cooper/Mr. C (who is carrying Bob) was arrested in South Dakota
  40. When interviewed by Gordon, Albert, and Diane, they all concluded that something was off and do not fully believe it to be Cooper
  41. Doppelganger Cooper and his associate Ray are released from the penitentiary because Doppelganger Cooper had dirt on the ward
  42. Ray murders Doppelganger Cooper just to have Bob, or some ghostly men, revive him
  43. Ray runs, and Doppelganger Cooper carries on with his plan
  44. Jerry Horne is out in the woods, so high he doesn’t know if his own foot is his
  45. Ben Horne is busy courting a married secretary (Beverly) who is married to a man in a severely handicapped man
  46. Ben Horne and Beverly are trying to figure out the source of a loud ringing noise in the Great Northern
  47. Doctor Hayward is gone fishing
  48. Andy really likes the red chair
  49. Lucy really liked the beige chair
  50. They ultimately got the red chair
  51. Johnny Horne runs into a wall and presumably dies (or is severely concussed)
  52. Cooper left behind a note with Mrs. Briggs inside a bullet-like compartment that only Bobby knew how to open
  53. Mayor Briggs seems to have preemptively trained Bobby to know how to retrieve the note and lead the Sheriff to the coordinates given up the mountains, a childhood hangout of Bobby‘s, “Jack Rabbit’s Palace
  54. The note also contained the familiar code with the words COOPER/COOPER, which Deputy Hawk correctly interprets as “Two Coopers
  55. Diane receives a text saying “around the dinner table, the conversation is lively”
  56. Two junkies at the Rodeo House state that “Zebra’s out again
  57. They don’t know if they’ve seen The Penguin?
  58. David Lynch has no regard for my mental stability
Anything else we missed? (Probably a lot. This is Twin Peaks after all). Let us know in the comments, or tweet us @TheNerdLeague!
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Comments

comments

2 thoughts on “Twin Peaks Revival: 58 Things We’ve Learned So Far”

  1. jane says:

    In 44 you put Richard but meant Jerry

    1. Gabrielle van Welie says:

      Thanks for catching that! Will fix 🙂

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